Lost Girl

Every single time I think my life cannot possibly get any worse it does. 

My SNCO will not lay off me. 

I’ve had to request mast and the investigation is on-going but no one tells me what to do while it’s going. I’m still in the SNCO’s care and no one else seems to care. 

The only person I feel like I can relate to lately cannot seem to actually be my friend because his significant other hates me… or at least seems to… and it’s because I’m attractive and confident but I’M NOT THAT ATTRACTIVE AND I’M FAKING ALL THAT “CONFIDENCE” so that I can have some control over every single situation because contrary to popular belief trauma group makes me even more crazy and less in control. I feel legitimately crazy all the time. I’m losing control of my emotions…. I’m not sleeping, I’ve lost over ten pounds in just under two weeks…. I have to work nights which means I don’t get to see my son and he’s with his father and we all know what an awesome guy that d-bag is. Plus, the cherry on top of this is that my grandmother, the woman that I have always always always loved had a heart attack, has pnuemonia, needs another surgery on her leg and has a spot on her lung. 

 

The only time I sleep I have night mares. 

 

I’m lashing out at everyone and there’s nothing nothing nothing I can do to control it. It’s like words vomit but with anger and at the end of it I’m just sad and alone. 

 

I’m just so so sad all the time now. 

It takes everything in me not to cry all the time. 

 

I think of this thing a stranger said to me once, when I was crying… 

“Don’t cry little pin-up girl, life can’t be all bad.” 

But lately it all feels bad. 

Everything hurts. 

 

FML.